Last May we learned that we would soon be parents. What I was most afraid of came true...
Before you read this, please understand that becoming a mother for me was one of the hardest & most life altering changes in my life. Looking back, I now realize that 99% of my fears were self-centered. But that's the beauty in reflecting - we can see tangible growth in ourselves!
Now I have been a mother for 5 months! Each day is new & better than the last. As I have taken time to look back & reflect on this new change in my life, I realize now that I am a completely different person than I was this time last year. Before Kerr, I was so afraid. It is with boldness & courage that I lay my fears before you so that you too can see how the Lord works on our behalf, even when we least deserve it.
1. I was afraid my body would change. My body is scarred. It will never be the same. Growing & carrying a human will alter the state of you forever. But instead of looking in the mirror with disgust, I am proud. Those are the scars that were made when I carried my baby. That tummy is the place that held my baby for 10 full months. Those hips are the ones that walked my baby & holds my baby today. Praise the Lord for how He has created our bodies!
2. I was afraid my lifestyle would be altered. My lifestyle is forever different. I idolize sleep. It’s one of my greatest loves in life! There is nothing better than being in the bed! I don’t think I need to elaborate on this anymore. Hearing Kerr's cry for me to get out of bed is hard, there is no doubt about. But the moment the light goes on & I see my baby’s face - the weariness melts away. “Oh goodness! I missed you Kerr! I can’t wait to hug you & kiss your sweet face!”
Besides sleep, the next largest idol in my life is my time. I. Love. It. I love being efficient. I love getting tasks done. I love being a superwoman & feeling like I accomplished much in my day. Now, I am accomplishing very little (according to my check lists) but I am pouring my life into someone else. This requires my all - my utmost attention. Now my definition of "being accomplished" is changing. Did I give my all to my baby today? Did I love my husband? Did I look that person in the eye & respect them for who they are? These are the things that matter the most.
3. I was afraid my relationship with Ryland would never be the same. It’s true. Our marriage is richer, fuller, greater. When we think about our family, we are looking beyond ourselves. This has made our conversations deeper with greater perspective. We are fighting harder for forgiveness, trust, & humility. We have renewed our sense of urgency to live in every moment - not wasting any time that could be spent loving each other or our babies (of course we include Scout as one of our babies!). Our time is now so much sweeter & more meaningful.
What I was most afraid of came true.
It’s all been worth it.
I love you, Kerr Julian! You are worth every moment of sacrifice. Thank you for teaching me what it means to lay down my life for another. You are my greatest gift!